Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
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i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
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From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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