thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
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