I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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