i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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