I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
