i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
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