I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
