Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
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