I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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