I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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