Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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