Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
