awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
