bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
She's JV to your varsity
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
