my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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