just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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