Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
