he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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