youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
