and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I could fuck to npr.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
