Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
