Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
