so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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