I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
