It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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