mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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