hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
