I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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