I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
