I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Randomize
