proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
