he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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