I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
