they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
