Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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