He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Randomize
