just come out here and I will go home with you...
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
