whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Randomize
