well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
