My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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