i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
