How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Randomize
