So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Randomize
