I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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