I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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