I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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