so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Randomize
