be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
