I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
