Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
