I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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