i would punch a child for taco bell
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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