In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
