Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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