I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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